Presence Amidst Chaos

... Chaos umpire sits,
And by decision more embroils the fray
By which he reigns: next him, high arbiter,
Chance governs all. Into this wild Abyss,
The womb of nature, and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless the Almighty Maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds---

-John Milton, Paradise Lost II: 907-916

We live in chaotic times.

Many of us can relate to the overwhelming disorientation Satan faces post-rebellion when he's cast into Chaos, a realm untouched by the creator's order, a chasm outside of creation. This state of confusion, itself uncreated, bounds creation everywhere, suggesting its appearance marks the crossing of a threshold.

This sense of liminality makes it seem that if we could take just one step in the right direction, we'd be out of that state of chaos. But, as Milton's Satan discovers during his first attempt to navigate the chasm between himself and creation, taking a single step in any direction may be impossible, as direction itself is not a feature of Chaos. Yet our Lost hero finds his way by working with Chaos to forge a path, not unlike how the creator in Milton's vision works with the 'dark materials' of Chaos to forge creation.

This frames Chaos as—for those able to face and work with it—a realm of unbounded potential. But if you're already feeling an abundance of chaos, yet not especially empowered by it, you're not alone! Chaos can't conceive of anything as orderly as portions, so it has a way of giving too much of itself. Just as a hand must open and put down one tool before picking up another, we may find our minds and magical endeavors eased by taking time to sacrifice what we don't currently need to this primordial state rather than reaching in with already full hands to grab more.

In that spirit, before committing to more resolutions this new year, let's take some time to assess the stuff resolutions are made of: the immaterial, the unmanifest. It is elusive, rough from one angle and smooth from another, beholden to neither rhythm nor nature. The purpose of this meditation is to practice entering and exiting a magical state of mind with intention.

Materials
Mirror: I recommend using a black mirror or minimizing the light in your meditation space.
Source of Haze: a candle or a stick of incense will suffice, as will a humidifier for anyone avoiding smoke and related irritants
List of Identities: a list of statements starting with "I am" corresponding to identities or personal characteristics that apply to you. For example: I am a woman. I am a writer. I am poor. The list should have at least three different statements on it and can be as long as you like.

Setup
Whether a stick of incense, a candle, or a humidifier, place your chosen source of smoke or vapor between the mirror and the place you will be sitting during the meditation. You should be able to see your face in the mirror while sitting comfortably.
Read your list aloud once or twice. Now remove everything from each statement after "I am". If your list is typed, delete everything except for the words "I am" at the beginning of each line. If you printed your list or wrote it by hand, cut the paper, separating it into two pieces, and discard the one that isn't a column of "I am"s. Practice reading this list aloud, pronouncing "I am" just as you did before, remembering to 'pronounce' also the silence where the remainder of the original statement once was; in other words, don't read "I am" as a complete sentence over and over, proceed as if you intend to continue on with the words that are no longer there, taking the time to hear the silence that takes the place of your previous words.
Dwelling in the gaps can be liberating, but also disorienting. Make sure you're sitting or lying down comfortably with all meditative tools within reach before beginning.

Opening
Vocalize an audible hum while visualizing a sphere of light taking shape around your ritual space.

Declaration of Purpose
"I attend the nameless things which dwell in the spaces between."

Chasm-Gaze
Light the incense/candle or start your humidifier and put it in its place before the mirror. Gaze at the smoke/vapor. You may see several faces reflected in the mirror as your eyes focus on the hazy foreground. Your focus may occasionally shift to your reflected faces, collapsing them to a single face; just return your focus to the smoke/vapor when this happens.

Fabric of Being Unmanifest
When you are comfortable gazing into the middle distance, recite the list of 'I am' statements, remembering to keep them distinct in your mind, each one defined by its lacuna. Continue gazing at the smoke/vapor in front of the mirror while reciting your list. Observe with minimal reaction whatever appears in the mirror, maintaining an unstrained focus on the smoke/vapor so that the mirror's reflections are in the background of your view.

Closing
After reciting your list, relax your eyes on your own reflection in the mirror and take three deep breaths. Say aloud "I am free."
Vocalize an audible hum, gradually decreasing in volume as you visualize the sphere surrounding your ritual space dissipating.

I wear many faces, enveiled by dancing haze
Facing teeming Darkness, into Abyss I gaze
Magician newly forged the tools before me lie
High Priestess's wisdom within me must reside
In Chaos I shall keep that which now fills no need
My names I need not speak. I choose to which I heed